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Dumb Things to Say to the Grieving

8/31/2018

2 Comments

 
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     Grief is awkward, whether we’re trying to comfort someone in the loss of a job or the loss of a loved one. I’m on the receiving end as we mourn the death of our six-year-old granddaughter Lydia. We’ve received kind expressions of love, plus some well-intentioned fumbles. With gratitude for everyone’s attempts to console, here’s what I’m learning to avoid and what really helps:  
AVOID SAYING:
     
* I know how you feel because my dog died recently. (That’s painful, but please don’t make comparisons to my loss.)     
     * I remember when  _________ . (Your ten-minute grief story follows, in which your burden shifts onto my already slumping shoulders.) 
    
     * God knew best. (So my struggles aren’t legitimate?)
    
     * How are you? (Please don’t ask me to describe the searing pain running through me.) 
    
     * Have a good day. (Really?)
    
     * If there’s anything I can do, let me know. ( But I can’t think beyond this moment.)
    
     * Could this have been prevented if ________? (Please don’t ask me to read something you saw online.)
    
     * Here’s what will help you get over your grief. (I need to travel through it, not get over it.)

BEST THINGS TO SAY:     
     * It’s good to see you.
    
     * I’m so sorry.
    
     * I miss 
(Name), too.  
BEST THINGS TO DO:     
     * Give a hug and don’t try to fill the silence.
    
     * Drop off a meal in disposable containers.
    
     * Offer SPECIFIC help. “I’m going to the grocery store today; what do you need?” or “Friday is your laundry day? Can I come over to help?”
    
      Giving comfort isn’t comfortable, and we all stumble sometimes - me included. Perhaps the best we can do for each other is to keep our arms wide and our words few.

2 Comments
rush essay link
11/2/2018 11:48:34 am

This is extremely helpful for people who have no idea what to say to someone who has just lost a loved one. Many people offend the one who is grieving because they are not aware of the impact of their words. However, we have to keep in mind that these are not intentional. They simply just need to be educated, so that they can express their feelings and empathy in the right way. When my sister passed away, I experienced the same thing, but I chose to understand because I know that it is not their intention to offend me in any way.

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Trish Hermanson link
11/3/2018 09:06:16 am

Thanks for our insight.

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