Category: Humor - trish hermanson

DEAL! Lunch for Less than $5 Million

6/20/2019

Deal of the week! For less than $4.57 million we can have lunch together.
     That’s how much tech guru Justin Sun is paying to have lunch with financial whiz Warren Buffett, the Oracle of Omaha. Proceeds go to charity.
     So here’s my offer: bid on a lunch with me, and if you win, the Ditz of Denver promises not to give you a shred of financial advice. The winning amount will go to a nonprofit where I volunteer, JeffCo Eats (jeffcoeats.org), which supplies food to kids who qualify for meals at school but sometimes find the cupboard bare on weekends.
     It’s a horrible problem. In one family, the kids play a guessing game of who’s going to get to eat when Saturday comes.
      The winner and I won’t dine at a swank place like Buffett and Sun do, and I won’t wear a suit and tie. We’ll visit a local barbecue with paper napkins and plastic forks for lip-smackin’ food (or somewhere else, if you wish). If you live outside Denver metro, I’ll send you a gift card. I’ll also give you an autographed copy of my novel “The Wooden Indian Resurrection” or my children’s book “Hooty McTooty Discovers True Beauty.”
      So let’s spread the love for kids and do lunch. Email me or post your bid on my Facebook page by June 26, with the opening bid $15.
  We common folk may not be able to raise five million bucks, but we can ease some kids’ hunger pains. And to them, that’s worth millions.

My Kind of Cookbook

5/24/2019

I love writing so much I’ve sometimes forgotten to eat. If it weren’t for my husband, a great chef, I’d turn into a scrap of dried leather. (He thinks I compliment his culinary skills only to keep him in the kitchen, but I relish every meal he creates - especially because I’m not making it.)
     It’s not that I’m a bad cook. It’s that I’m distracted. My mother used to concoct a twenty-four-hour salad - prepare it a day in advance so the flavors meld. I never start it until it’s nearly time to eat, so I call it my twenty-four-second salad.
     I’m not the only writer like this. C. Robertson says her poetry is “a disease, a sort of recurrent itch that keeps me awake nights and makes me burn the bacon and causes my husband to use unholy adjectives.”
     I’ve set some burnt offerings on the table, but I call them “blackened.”
     Author Virginia Greene Millikin says that just as loaves of bread won’t rise without yeast, stories don’t rise “without that piece of your very heart that you have put into it.”
     So that’s my problem. I don’t put my heart into cooking. Maybe if I…oops, gotta run. I need to have a meal ready in fifteen minutes so we can get out the door.
  (Did I mention my husband is a great chef?)

You Talk Like a Sumerian?

4/25/2019

Do you talk like a Sumerian?
   That ancient civilization developed humanity's first written communication through pictograms. But our ancestors soon discovered that pictures weren’t enough to get their point across, so they created a code for words - the alphabet. With that, communication spread onto clay tablets, papyrus, and paper, then exploded through printing presses, typewriters, copy machines, and emails.
     But everything was TL;DR (too long; didn’t read), so dialogue imploded into one-sided tweets. And now we’re back to pictograms through emojis, which makes me wonder whether we’ve regressed 5,000 years.
     TBH (to be honest), IDK (I don’t know). I’m SMH (shaking my head) about this.
     But my granddaughter’s messages do make me giggle.

You, Too, Can Kazoo!!

1/25/2019

Our country desperately needs some levity these days, so let me encourage you to rush out to a music store and pick up a kazoo to celebrate National Kazoo Day on January 28. Then if you can hum the semblance of a tune, you can jam on this nifty little American instrument that’s been around since the 1840s.
     If you can’t buy one by the 28th, no worries, because the date for celebrating occurs anytime near the end of January - whenever it’s convenient for kazoodaphiles. “We have to be flexible,” explains Chaplain Willard Rahn, founder of the Joyful Noise Kazoo Band at Homewood Retirement Center in Williamsport, Maryland.
     And if you’re a closet kazooist, now’s the time to fling open the doors and form a kazoophony. Embellish your music with this distinctive instrument as did Eric Clapton (“San Francisco Bay Blues”), Pink Floyd (“Corporal Clegg”), and Dionne Warwick (“This Girl’s in Love with You”).
  For a hilarious history from hardcore kazoologists, visit here.
    Happy kazooing!

What to Do in Case of a Situation

1/11/2019

This sign cracked me up because we used to react to emergencies, but now we create “Situational Action Plans.” Please, if I’m ever in an emergency, don’t call it a “situation.” Just get help!
     Other signs I’ve observed recently have been more straightforward, like the South Dakota bill board that poked fun at just about everyone - “Eat Steak, Wear Fur, Keep Your Guns.” Another, advertising a western store, told me, “Use Your Head When Buying a Hat.”
     A sign in a Denver plumbing parts outlet informed me: “You Will Spend Seven Years of Your Life in the Bathroom. You Will Need a Good Book…and a Good Look.”
     A T-shirt in Colorado made me read carefully: “Legalize Marinara.” Another, perhaps related, said the wearer was “Overly Meditated.” A third came across with the authority of Scripture: “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Fish 24:7”
     Then there are the companies that select unforgettable names. A tax accounting firm: “Go Figure.” A shoe repair store: “The Sole Man.” And my favorite, a hair salon: “Curl Up and Dye.”
     All this whimsy makes me wish we could trade in the divisive political talk around us for a bit of humor. Perhaps then we’d discover, as Louis Armstrong sang, what a wonderful world it is. Listen to Armstrong here.

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