Category: Humor - trish hermanson

Really? Deadly?

8/10/2018

   This sign that I spotted in Washington struck me as overly dramatic: “Falling Can Be Deadly. Please Stay on the Trail.” So if I leave the trail, I’m in danger? And if I stay on the trail, I’m safe? If only life were so simple.
Here are signs others shared with me that made me chuckle:    Molly wrote about a large billboard in Utah that announces, “Stop and Eat and Get Gas.” No thank you.
     Pat says an Oklahoma sign warns, “Hitchhikers may be escaping inmates.”
     Terry laughed about the name of a South Dakota graveyard: Canton Lutheran Cemetery. To be buried there, how do you prove you’re Lutheran?
     In the Utah desert, Julie drove by a wooden sign proclaiming, “Forrest Gump ended his cross country run at this spot.”
     I puzzled over this sign beside a Colorado parking lot: “Caution - Children Ahead.” Am I supposed to watch that I don’t harm them, or that they don’t harm me?
     Whatever signs cross your path, I hope you never have a deadly fall, that those who hitchhike into your life aren’t convicts, and that you don’t come across children who harm you.
  And perhaps in today’s heated political climate we could all use this Nebraska sign promoting civility: “When push comes to shove, don’t.”

How Long Is Your Trail?

6/1/2018

After I wrote about signs that made me chuckle, some readers responded with their favorites: Stan said that a huge truck stop sign in Missouri announces “Clean Restrooms. Kids Eat Free.”
     Rachel said that when she lived in China, a sign in English in a grocery aisle announced “Inflated Food.” The section was filled with puffy bags of chips and other snacks.
Mary told me about a Florida church sign designed to keep people from parking in a certain area: “Thou shalt not park.”
     Ruth wrote about a Colorado mountain pass sign: “Watch for Avalanches.” Are we supposed to stand there and wait for one?
     I noticed a restaurant named “Re-combobulate” in a Washington port town for those who had just stepped onshore and were trying to get their land legs back.
     One sign in my neighborhood always offended me: “Slow Children.” How dare they say that about my kids.
     A fence company sign: “Love Your Neighbor, But Don’t Take Down the Fence.”
     And a discouraging marker along a path my daughter and granddaughters encountered: “Too Long Trail.”
     I hope your trails are never too long, and that you find plenty of humor along the way. For more laughs, check out my children’s book that discloses the key to developing a positive self image. “Hooty McTooty Discovers True Beauty” takes kids and adults on a wild ride with a chicken who thinks a makeover will change her life. “Hooty” is geared for preschool through third grade and is available here. It’s free for Kindle Unlimited members.

Signs of the Times?

4/20/2018

This sign behind a supermarket loading dock cracked me up: “Pickup Location.” Is this a dating service?
Other signs that have made me chuckle:
On a Texas interstate, a sign for an upcoming “Safety Rest Area,” then neon yellow signs warning “Watch for Rattlesnakes.”
Outside the entrance to a memory care unit: “Future Resident Parking.” You think I’ll park there?
In a women’s restroom: “I childproofed my house, but they still get in.”
A Colorado sign warning “Post No Signs. Underground Irrigation.” They broke the rule to announce the rule.
A sign for those who don’t want to hurt their dogs’ feelings that they are “owned”: “Dog ‘Guardians’ - Dogs Must Be Leashed…”
     In Washington, “The Northwest Man” store with a “Sale” sign. I can buy a Northwest man on sale?
An Alabama church for those offended by other congregations: “Perfect Alternative Baptist Church.”
Motivation to stop at a South Dakota drugstore: “Coffee 5 Cents.”
  Upon entering Louisiana: “Welcome. If You’re Here to Commit a Crime, Turn Around.”
Two Mississippi stores adjacent to each other: “Guns and Ammunition” and “Sewing Circle.”
A sign in a New Mexico canyon: “Rocks Falling.” Should I duck?
A rest stop sign extolling Wyoming’s “vast seas of grass,” while the turf next to it was artificial. What happened to the real stuff?
     And a sign at the drop-off area at an elementary school: “Hug & Go Zone.” We could all use a zone like that before we leave the house in the morning.

Genius or Dimwit?

2/9/2018

A full-page advertisement one page over from the newspaper comics caught my attention: pay $55 and learn if I carry the seeds of genius. Find out whether I can join the ranks of Mozart and Rembrandt and Jefferson and Einstein and Newton. All I need to do is pay $55.
Hmm. I’ve fallen for promises before. For instant wealth. Quick cures for health. And helpful hints to happiness. I know how well they worked. And now it’s genius?
I may not be the brightest bulb in the pack, but I could picture a lot of dollars flying out of a lot of pockets for this one. If I pay $55 to learn whether I’m a genius, I must be a dimwit because there aren’t any short cuts in life. It’s a matter of putting one foot in front of the other.
I turned back to the comics. More enlightenment there.

When Rodents of Unusual Size Attacked Me

1/26/2018

Image: Clipart Panda

   I hadn’t prepared to be attacked by Rodents of Unusual Size.
     All I knew was that Duane and I needed a good night’s sleep to have the energy to babysit Third Daughter’s young girls the next day while Third daughter had oral surgery.
     But before we turned off the lights, First Daughter texted that her infant son still hadn’t recovered from bronchitis, and they’d seen the doctor again. And Second Daughter, fourteen hundred miles away, texted she’d gone into labor with her first child.
     Sleep? Inconceivable!
     So I took two tiny homeopathic pills to quiet my brain. In the past they’d given me weird dreams, but I was desperate.
     I tried to settle in, but my mind whirled from the emotional punch of too much at one time. Suddenly, my mother, who has been deceased for three decades, appeared by my side with a twinkle in her eyes as if to say, “It’s life. So live it!”
     Before me lay a wall I had to scale. I ran toward it, but Rodents of Unusual Size nipped at my heels, trying to stop me. I scrambled up the wall. At the top, another R.O.U.S. attacked me. When I kicked it away, I lost my balance and toppled to the ground. SMACK!
      “What’s wrong,” Duane called from our bed.
     I woke up, flat on our wood floor, my hip throbbing. “Rodents of Unusual Size attacked.”
     Duane yawned. “You tell anyone that, and they’ll say you’re crazy.”
     Doesn’t he know these varmints thrive in the Fire Swamps of my most anxious times?
     I crawled back into bed, prayed for rest, and dozed off.
     The next day, First Daughter reported that her son was responding to breathing treatments. Second Daughter gave birth to a beautiful boy. And Third Daughter returned to her home after oral surgery, where I tucked her into bed. Duane and I hugged and cried happy tears of gratitude to God.
     I’m weary. My hip aches from falling out of bed. But I’m thankful my mother came alongside me in my unconscious mind.
     Because sometimes even a grown-up mother needs a mommy.

We drove the fourteen hundred miles to meet our new grandson in Alabama, where we saw a real R.O.U.S, called a nutria!

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