Category: Humor - trish hermanson

Whatever Happened to the Age of Aquarius?

10/30/2021

A half century ago the age of Aquarius promised me personal perfection with bliss as sublime as a stroll along a beach. But since then, I’ve aged fifty years with wrinkles to prove it. So here’s my updating of the anthem “Aquarius”:

When my decades increase
And my back’s not feeling fine,
Orthotics guide each step,
Everything’s out of line.
This is the dawning of the age of A-A-R-P,
Age of Medicare Part B.
Seniority. Seniority.

Vegetables and lots of fiber,
Surgeons and prescribers.
No more flattery or delusions.
Golden living with confusions.
Hope I don’t get a contusion
Or go into some seclusion
From Forgetfulness. Forgetfulness.

When my decades increase
And my sight isn’t clear,
Myopia makes things murky,
Can’t see from there to here.
This is the dawning of the age of A-A-R-P,
Age of Medicare Part B.
Geriatrics. Geriatrics.

Aquarius was nonsense,
Like today’s QAnonsense - a modern-day sin.
So let’s give up all false hopes
And conspiracy tropes - toss them in a bin.
Let’s look to the light to give insight - may the truth roll in.
Face reality. Embrace reality. Let reality in.

My Chest Is Unremarkable?

7/19/2021

It’s embarrassing, but a medical report recently declared that my chest is “unremarkable.”
     What an insult, except in this case, it was good news.
     That’s because “unremarkable” indicates no more cancer was detected through screening. Whew!
     This incident caused me to think about how insensitive medical terminology can be. For example, when I showed another doctor how easily my hands bruise, he said, “You won’t like this. It’s ‘senile purpura.’” No reason for alarm, he said. Just another sign of (gulp) being older. But why call it “senile?”
     The most insulting medical phrase I’ve heard is when a woman becomes pregnant after the age of thirty-five. Physicians call her situation a “geriatric pregnancy.” That means you can be in your thirties and be declared geriatric.
Do you think the medical field needs sensitivity training?

See You Later, Alligator?

4/17/2021

Bill Haley and His Comets have helped my grandkids and me say goodbye to each other through the classic hit “See You Later, Alligator.” From their inspiration, we developed phrases we choose from:
     Sayonara, dinosaura. Adios, galapagos. Caio, cow. Adieu, cockatoo. Au revoir, blue macaw. Arrivederci, cassowary. Outta here, little deer. Toodle-oo, caribou. Bye bye, butterfly. Stand tall, narwal. Hang loose, mongoose. Keep the peace, wildebeest.
     Here are some you can complete: Hasta la vista, (animal). Aloha, (animal), and Nice to know ya, (animal).
  “Adieu” and “adios” are my favorites because they mean "I bless you as you go with God.” I send that thought your way as I set my blogging pen down for now. It’s been my privilege to share thoughts with you, and I’ve loved hearing yours. I’m not sure whether I’m saying “farewell, gazelle,” or “after a while, crocodile.”    So I’ll close with “that’s all folks, until this frog croaks.” Enjoy Haley’s famous song, and don’t we wish we could dance like that!

Anyone Else Befuddled by Today's English?

9/3/2020

Are you as befuddled as I am when you read the news? My head spins whenever I succumb to doom scrolling (endlessly reading online news ) during this corona coaster (roller-coaster pandemic). I’m not a Karen (an entitled, obnoxious, angry, or racist middle-aged white woman trying to get my way). If you don’t think I’m woke (aware of social and racial justice), are you going to cancel me (treat me as persona non grata)? I don’t understand QAnon (a far-right conspiracy that believes that Q, an anonymous leader, is gradually exposing a deep state plot against the President). Has anyone doxed this group (published internet research on this group)?
Is your political party dog whistling me (using attractive code words to gain my support)? Is the political contribution you want me to make a grift (a small-scale swindle)? Are you gaslighting me (causing me to question my sanity and sense of reality)? Have I become a covidiot (one who doesn’t properly wash hands, social distance, and wear a mask)? It’s all too confusing! Perhaps for the rest of this Coronageddon (covid catastrophe) I’ll hide out in my basement and pour myself a quarantini (a martini during quarantine).

Is "Irony" the Opposite of "Wrinkly"?

7/24/2020

Vince Rozmiarek claims “irony” is “the opposite of wrinkly,” and with such wordplay, his humor has circled the globe - that is, for those who believe the world is round. If you don’t, Vince says: “The only thing flat Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.”
     Vince’s punny-ness on a community center sign has brought fame to the Colorado town of Indian Hills (population 1,000). Globe trekkers make pilgrimages to the mountain town to snap selfies there.
     Many of Vince’s posts are about food:
     “Turning vegan would be a big missed steak.”
     “Every food could be a superfood if you put a little cape on it.”
     Or about drink:
     “Be careful tonight — one pour decision may lead to another.”
     “Before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.”
     Only a few posts are political:
     “If your fridge is running, I’d vote for it.”
     “The problem with political jokes is that they sometimes get elected.”
     Some are philosophical:
     "My intellectual property is in foreclosure.”
     “Ever stop to think and forget to start again?”
     Others are refreshingly practical:
     “Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.”
     For seven years Vince has created a trail of laughter for those driving by. It’s his gift to the world, and wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all learned how to spread around our gifts in a positive way? A family in Canada does this through its music, and I invite you to click here for a happy song from them.